You Are Still Holding Back

Then he who had received the one talent came and said, ‘Lord, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed.  And I was afraid, and went and hid your talent in the ground. Look, there you have what is yours.’ "But his lord answered and said to him, ‘You wicked and lazy servant, you knew that I reap where I have not sown, and gather where I have not scattered seed.  So you ought to have deposited my money with the bankers, and at my coming I would have received back my own with interest.  So take the talent from him, and give it to him who has ten talents. ‘For to everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who does not have, even what he has will be taken away. Matthew 25:24-29

Recently, I was asked why I had not shared my website with others.  I responded that I did not want to appear self-serving or self-promoting.   Later that night, the question was still on my mind so I asked the Holy Spirit for clarity.  Is that the real reason?   I praise God that He will answer us when earnestly seek Him.

The next morning, as I sat doing my homework for my discipleship class, I was still asking God the question.  Is that the real reason?  I truly felt that there was more to it.  As I continued to study and review the verses for the lesson, the Spirit spoke to my heart.  Yes, there is more.  You are still holding back because you are trying to hide. You have not fully carried out your assignment because you have been afraid.  You continue to rehearse the harmful words that others have spoken to you and about you.  You have accepted their opinions about your worth instead of the truth that I have spoken to you.  You have internalized their opinions and allowed them to dictate how and what you do.  Instead of boldly claiming who you are in the Father, you have hidden in shame to avoid ridicule and humiliation.  You thought that your little bit of service or work would be enough to satisfy the call that I have assigned you. 

It was a painful revelation, but there it was.  I had allowed people to speak over me out of their pain and failures.  I had hidden myself and my purpose so that others would not find fault in me.  Even more, I had unconsciously taken responsibility for their pain and shortcomings.  I had allowed them to dictate my movement and cause my imprisonment.  Matthew 12:36 says, “ But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the day of judgment.”  Those same people will have to give an account for the words they spoke, but that does not excuse me from carrying out my assignment from God.

The weight of this revelation was so crushing and yet so liberating.  Realizing that I had contributed to my shortfall was crushing, but it was also liberating to understand why my heart had been so heavy and why the reminders of my past kept resurfacing.  The Holy Spirit showed me that it is only my pain for which I can receive healing and deliverance.  To receive my healing, I must do the work for myself.  It is the same for others.  It is not my responsibility to carry their pain to the cross for them.  I cannot receive the healing that is meant for them.  I have been so burdened for so long and did not understand why.  I kept doing the work and seeking God for my deliverance but did not realize that the deliverance that I needed was not for my pain but the pain I had accepted from others. 

2 Corinthians 5:10, “ For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive the things done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad.”  We are responsible for our actions or failures to act. We each have a cross to bear.  For those who are no longer living, there is nothing we can do so there is no need to continue to be weighed down by their pain.  They are done with it and we should be as well.

This experience compelled me to imagine Jesus on the cross at Calvary.  If it was so heavy for me to carry the weight of sin and sorrow of the people I have encountered, how great was the weight that was laid on Jesus when he bore the sins of us all?

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Father, I pray that we will all be freed from the pain of the idle words of others through prayer and researching Your Word about how You feel about us.  Help us to know the truth of who we are and who we were created to be.  We are Your children and there is more to us than any human eye can fathom.  You created us and everything You created You have declared as GOOD.  In Jesus Name, Amen.